How I got into pattern Exploration

I woke up one morning to a pain I had never felt before—sharp, relentless, impossible to ignore. At first, I told myself it would pass. But it didn’t. That pain spiked to 10/10, dominating my life for six months before it slowly started to fade until eventually it went three year later. The physical pain was intense, but what made it harder were the ways I was stuck—the patterns my mind and body had learned over time. My nervous system was constantly on high alert, searching for danger, even in safe situations. Relationships began to strain, I felt numb and disconnected, and panic attacks would appear out of nowhere. Hobbies and interests I once loved felt meaningless. Life felt smaller, heavier, and unsafe—even when there was no immediate threat.

Eventually, I knew I couldn’t keep going like this. I started therapy, unsure of how much I would uncover and feeling the stigma that is less now, but was once so associated with mental health. That’s when I began to see the stuck patterns that had quietly shaped my life—the loops of anxiety, withdrawal, avoidance, perfectionism, people pleasing, emotional shutdown, the list went on and that made pain louder and kept me feeling unsafe. I realized with counselling, reflection and time my reactions weren’t random. They were my nervous system’s way of protecting me, trying to keep me safe, even if they were now keeping me stuck.

Working on these patterns became my lifeline. I learned to notice when old loops were taking over, to experiment with new ways of responding, and to slowly give myself a sense of safety in my body, my mind, and my relationships. It wasn’t easy. There were setbacks and days of doubt, night of sand whole months I have no memory of, but gradually, things started to shift: panic attacks became less frequent, numbness lifted, relationships began to heal, and the things I loved—hobbies, curiosity, connection—returned.

The journey wasn’t just about reducing pain. It was about understanding the stuck patterns that had shaped my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors—and learning how to create safety so that these patterns could loosen. I've come to understand Safety is everything in relationships with other and ourselves, and from safety the view of what is possible in our lives is very different from an unsafe one. By doing that, I slowly reclaimed my life. I discovered that even long-standing patterns could change, and that freedom, joy, and connection were possible again and on a level I had not allowed my self to experience before. It's a work in progress.